<$BlogRSDURL$>

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Mommy and Daddy 

Mommy and Daddy,

I miss the way things used to be. When I went off to college I thought it was all temporary. I thought I'd be home in no time--back to the house where we all lived together as one family, where I had my room and my big bed with the comfy sheets and multitude of pillows. But as time goes by, I don't see it happening, and I wonder if it will ever happen again like the good old days.

I come home from breaks, and I'm tired. I want to sleep, but I'm too stressed or anxious to sleep full, long nights--the type when I wake up in the morning naturally, and fully refreshed. I'm so tired and overwhelmed with homework that I haven't had a decent conversation with either for you for several months, and it hurts me so much just to think about it.

Mommy and Daddy, I miss you two so much. I was home this whole week, but you were off at work, and I was here alone. I was an emotional, physical wreck for the first few days, and when I finally started to regain my strength I had to leave to the conference in Michigan. I left home to go to the conference.... I took out the time I could have spent with you too, and my sister. But neither of you were mad, neither of you were upset. You were happy for me and fully supported me.

And even when my flight gets delayed, you wait awake for me till past midnight when I land. Daddy comes pick me up from the airport, and you, Mommy, you had a nice plate of warm food waiting for me when I arrived. 12:30am, you two sit up and have dinner with me. 1am, you take all of my dirty clothes so and put them in the wash so I can go back to school with clean clothes.

1:30am, I'm done with my shower and we already said goodnight, and I'm just checking my e-mail to see what I missed for the past few days I was away, but you, Mommy, knock on my door. At first I want to roll my eyes, why are you bothering me so late at night after we said goodnight? But all you wanted was to know if I knew of a good book I could recommend you to read on your flight to Orlando. Ooh... I can tell you want to sit and talk, and spend some more time with me before I go back to school and we don't see each other for two more months.

I recommend to you Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich. You haven't heard about it, and I tell you it's about poverty in America. You smile at me and thank me. You pause for a couple moments, standing right by the entrance to my room. I pause, too, and try to smile back at you. You say goodnight and walk away. I think I gave you the impression I don't really want to talk.... and I don't... I'm tired, I'm stressed about going back to school, I just read a bad e-mail... but I do... I don't think there could be anything better in the world right now than just spending time and talking to you. I don't know if we've had a decent coversation since you drove me off to college in New York, over a thousand miles away from home, in the last week of August...

Mommy and Daddy... I miss you. I miss the home you created me for. I miss having you two just down the hall. I miss the smell of the food you used to cook, and the endless conversations we used to have about everything. I even miss my sister, your daughter, who used to be my archnemesis....

And here I am, on the verge of saying goodbye. It's almost 2:30am. I cannot go to sleep. I have to write this letter to you, which you may never read. And here I am in your house, down the hall from you... but you're sleeping, and I'm crying, because we're not apart but I miss you again already...

Your son,
Amir



Friday, March 19, 2004

How Much Longer? 

I hate it when I cry. Well, I don't know if I hate it. Sometimes it feels a lot better than being angry and confused about everything.

I'm about to go on Spring break. My flight leaves out of this hellhole tomorrow at 7:15am. For this, I will gladly wake up early.

I hate being burnt out crisp, and that's usually the situation I'm in right before school breaks--and this one is no exception.

I'm frustrated with my "national leadership position" with the Sierra Student Coalition. For someone who's supposed to be a national leader, I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing. I have almost no one to work with, and the people on top of me are not being helpful at the moment. Not responding to my e-mails, my event & campaign proposals, no word about funding. How am I supposed to run a national campaign with zip zero dineros? The thing is, I care so much about this stuff: clean energy, clean air, empowering this next generation, to speak up and make a difference. I'm just so frustrated! I feel like I'm on the verge of quitting... but quitting would almost be relinquishing this dream, or more so, this chance to make a difference... who knows, maybe even to change the US... the world?

I was checking out the headlines on Yahoo, and next thing I found myself doing was looking at a slideshow of Iraq anti-war protests. Way to make a crummy mood worse. Something about all those people coming together, unified behind a common message. Something about the police in their heavy battle gear juxtaposed against the protesters. Something about all of the messages on the posterboards, the pile of shoes in front of the white house, the people, the emotions, the intensity, the contrasts. Ugh, it's enough to get me a little depressed.

Yeah, yeah, I'll admit it, that's what tipped me over the edge, that's when a couple tears streamed down my cheeks. Nothing major... It's just so freaking aggravating to see all these people, everyone pushing and pulling in a different direction. Can't we just get along?! Can't we develop a little more tolerance and understanding towards one another?! In the meantime people are dying for goodness sake!!! All I can do is wonder how much longer this will go on, and what will it eventually come to. No, this is not a rallying cry to end the war, just one to end intolerance and hatred--they're all over...



Sunday, March 14, 2004

Sometimes, things get kind of quiet, and with nothing better to do, (or no motivation to do "important" things like homework), I'll just pause and listen. It's not like I hear anything substantial, but sometimes I feel like I can just hear the world tick, sense the pulse of the world. It's small things like the wind that breezes whenever it wants, the list of recently updated weblogs that shows several dozen new entries every minute, the clock that won't stop ticking, the nameless people who always seem to be heading somewhere...

I'm reaching a point where I'm relinquishing my commitment more and more every day. It used to be a matter of overly hard work, which then led to burn out, which then led to slight depression, which then led to pyschological counseling, which then led to me learning to treat myself a bit better, which then led to an ever deeper depression because I'd burry myself in credit loads that wouldn't allow me to treat myself decently despite my good intentions.

I think that for better or for worse, I've reached a point where I've just tossed my hands in the air, and screamed aloud, "Enough! It's my life!" It is my life. MINE. Maybe my only one, and I'd be a fool not to make it worth something. So here I am, with 21 credits (more than I've ever had in my life), a job, and a national leadership position--a pretty unlikely time in my life for me to find time to spare for myself. But the damage has been done, or should I say as far as I'm concerned, the wounds are starting to heal. I've yelled it out, "Enough! It's my life!"

So now, with 21 credits on my shoulders, little sleep, a biology test tomorrow, a presentation for my food science class tomorrow, classes until 10:30pm tomorrow, a chemistry problem set due, 70 pages of reading for my sociology class, 40 pages of reading and a problem set for Linguistics, I find myself walking to my dorm in the brisk, early-spring weather: a gray cloudy Ithaca sky, punctured by dots of blueness, a relentless, wet, chilly wind tainted by a drop of warmth, walking back from a quick, but rather unhelpful review session for my biology test tomorrow, heading to my dorm, settling down in front of my computer, putting on my earphones, turning on the music, checking my e-mail for signs of life out there, checking the blog to see if any brave soul left me a comment. But with nothing new, all I do is let the music fade into the background and wait to hear the pulse of the world...

When I'm a lonely mess like this, in a place I don't want to be, or no longer care to be, with no friends, seeming to fade into oblivion in this tiny corner of the world, the only thing I can do to keep my sanity is to forget about the homework, the stress, the grades, and just sit back quietly and listen to the ticking of the world to remind myself that there is something more out there...



Friday, March 12, 2004

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back 

New York was amazing. Tuesday and Wednesday must have been the most jam-packed 24 hours of my life. Touring the Teen People offices in the Time Life building, being on the NBC morning show, having a private breakfast on the 34th-floor of the corporate office building of L'Oreal Paris with the President of the company and other top executives.... Meeting Ben Affleck, heck shaking his hand twice in one day, and being introduced on to stage by him! Meeting Ben Jelen and hearing his amazing music live for the first time... Meeting over a dozen of America's 20 teens who will change the world. Wow, what an intense day.

All this leaves me with an even stronger drive to keep on pushing, keep on moving, keep on doing great work that will "change the world." I'm so hung up on this summer energy tour. I just feel like that's what I want to do, and what I need to do. Of course, you come back from something like this all energized, and it's back to the head-pounding realities of the real world. Who's going to help me make this tour happen? How am I supposed to make it happen? And how in the world am I going to change the world with 21 one credits on my shoulders, few friends, a mild depression, and a bad attitude?

Ugh.



Monday, March 08, 2004

The April issue of Teen People came out this weekend, and the response I've already gotten (since Friday!) has been so overwhelming! First of all, seeing myself in a picture (er two) standing next to Hilary Duff in a magazine as big as Teen People is just mind boggling. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing there, and how in the world I got there. Then there's the caption, "These teens are all superstars -- even Hilary Duff." Heh, what?! Me? A superstar?!?! Woha, I don't know about that...

The Director of the religious school where I teach cut out the pictures from the magazines and posted them on a bulletin board for everyone to see. You can only imagine how my fourth-grade, major-Lizzie McGuire-fan students responded. What in the world is their TEACHER doing standing next to Hilary Duff?! They were so shocked and excited, and then a million questions started to abound.

"Was that picture done on photoshop?!" -- No, it was real...

"Are you dating Hilary Duff?!" -- Hah, if only...

For the first time in my life, I'm being called a celebrity. Talk about adjusting to something like that... I had an interview with the Pioneer Press, one of the bigger newspapers in Minnesota, this weekend about this whole Teen People ordeal. The reporter was really nice, and she wanted to know all about my volunteer work and environmental activism. The interview went really well, and at the end of it, she told me that I'm a celebrity... not a celebrity like Hilary Duff or Avril Lavigne, but becoming a celebrity in my own special way...

It's just so WEIRD! I've been going to high school like millions of other students in America, now I'm in college like millions of other students my age in America. For the most part, I feel anything but special. And yet here I am, in this funny in-between stage, posing in Teen People, but suffering in huge, impersonal intro lecture courses at the same time... I have a crapload of homework, exams, essays, and readings to do, and yet I'm going to New York City on Tuesday to meet Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Frankie Muniz, Lil' Romeo and over a dozen other amazingly brilliant teens. Does anyone else find something funny about this picture?

My head is spinning, spinning, spinning... The only things that are keeping me grounded are the Linguistics exam I have in 12 hours, for which I haven't even begun to study, my chemistry lab report, biology quizzes, sociology readings, and the essay for my English class, but I think even they are starting to lose their grip on me... I'm just worried that when my 15 seconds of fame are over, and my head spinning stops, I'll find myself in a huge mess back in the real world--way behind on homework, plummeting grades--a bigger wreck than I was to begin with.



Friday, March 05, 2004

Ugh.

So here I am, ticking my way towards 2 am yet again, somehow totally oblivious to the fact that I have to be at class tomorrow (today) at 8:40am.

There are too many things rushing through my head, and it's all going by so fast, so where does sleep fit in the equation? In the past day and a half I got the official invitation from Teen People to the event on March 10th in New York City. I'll be meeting the other 20 Teens Who Will Change the World. I'm so excited, overwhelmed and terrified at the same time. My Mom called me today and said the Teen People issue is now out. I haven't seen it, but I've never seen my face all big in a magazine before. Oh gosh. Maybe now isn't a good time to get into an entry about this.

I also really want to make my summer goals a reality. That involves tons of thinking and planning and networking. It's a big mess. I want to go on tour this summer. No, don't even start conjuring up images you associate with a "tour." I want to go on a tour, but probably not any sort of tour you have in mind. I don't have pretty paintings to sell, I don't have a book to promote, nor do I have a great voice with which I can grace countless bars and clubs across the country. Yet, I want to go on tour this summer... Hmm...



Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Do you ever just get the itch to do something? Do you ever feel like you want to make huge plans, maybe to change the world, or just a little part of it? Do you ever have ideas of how to do it, but getting from point A to point B (from ideas to actually doing it) seems pretty impossible?!

I cannot even recall how many times I've wanted to do things, big things, but my plans never fell through. I'm getting the impression that one of the worst things you can do to yourself is live a life where you keep on looking back and saying, "gosh, I wish I did that."

I have plans for this summer. Well, actually I have absolutely no plans for the summer at this moment. But I have ideas of what I want to be doing. I want to do something BIG. I want to travel cross-country. I want to meet people. I want to reach out. I want to inspire. I want to get things rolling. I want to make a difference. Summer 2004. What do y'all think?




Monday, March 01, 2004

Mommy called me today this afternoon. She told me that the latest YM issue is now out, and that they published the piece about the Cleaner Bus Campaign. She read me blurb they wrote in the magazine. I was actually pretty impressed! It was a decent-length paragraph with brief, but good information about why school bus diesel is harmful, what we did in Minnesota (including getting the law passed and all), and how students can get involved. They actually mentioned the campaign by name and included a link to the website. I was elated! I'm kind of bummed I couldn't give them an interview because Teen People asked that I hold off on interviews until they release their issue this upcoming week. So I'm not mentioned in the YM article, which is just fine because it's not all about me anyway. I just hope Teen People won't get mad or anything, it's not like I asked YM to write this, I didn't even give them information for the article! Anyway, I was really happily surprised that they decided to go ahead and cover the story anyway. You probably have no clue what I'm talking about. If you want to know, I suggest you pick up this month's issue and read up. I hope you won't be too disappointed.

Unfortunately my phone call with Mom didn't end too well. I got kind of cranky. I hardly got four hours of sleep last night--people were being SO loud in my dorm last night. There was a whole crowd of people (like 10) who decided that it would be a good idea to just stand and chat and laugh loudly until 4:30am right outside my dorm room. By the time they finally left and I fell asleep, I was awoken an hour later by some drunk guy on my floor who decided it would be a good idea to bang on my neighbor's door... and I mean BANG! It was so loud, and he wouldn't stop. My dorm neighbor woke up, and so did his girlfriend, and they started screaming at drunk boy, but that only made things worse. Anyway, then I had to wake up at 8:00am to go to work, so there went my night. I was so mad--I really wanted to get a good night's sleep. When I'm tired I just tend to get cranky and snappy. My mom started to ask me rhetorical questions or just wanted me to repeat stuff I said like three times. I didn't have the nerve for it, so I kind of snapped. :( Woops, but I apologized to her and stuff. I do feel bad though.

So did you all see?! A person left me a comment! My first comment by a complete stranger on my weblog! Woah. I must say, that was quite a monumental moment for me. I have been discovered! Woo hoo! Anyway, comments are awesome, so go ahead, leave one, or two, or three :). Much appreciated. Big thanks to mr. or mrs. person who left me that comment down there. I couldn't get over it for like 2 hours.

Welp, paper due tomorrow at 9:00am, sociology exam at 3:00pm, biology quiz at 7:30pm. Yuck, what a nasty-looking day I have ahead of me. As if that weren't fun enough, I get to continue my fun college adventure on Tuesday with a chemistry exam! Woopdie. I guess I better get to bed now. Hope you all are staying safe and sane out there in the world.



This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?