Sunday, March 14, 2004
Sometimes, things get kind of quiet, and with nothing better to do, (or no motivation to do "important" things like homework), I'll just pause and listen. It's not like I hear anything substantial, but sometimes I feel like I can just hear the world tick, sense the pulse of the world. It's small things like the wind that breezes whenever it wants, the list of recently updated weblogs that shows several dozen new entries every minute, the clock that won't stop ticking, the nameless people who always seem to be heading somewhere...
I'm reaching a point where I'm relinquishing my commitment more and more every day. It used to be a matter of overly hard work, which then led to burn out, which then led to slight depression, which then led to pyschological counseling, which then led to me learning to treat myself a bit better, which then led to an ever deeper depression because I'd burry myself in credit loads that wouldn't allow me to treat myself decently despite my good intentions.
I think that for better or for worse, I've reached a point where I've just tossed my hands in the air, and screamed aloud, "Enough! It's my life!" It is my life. MINE. Maybe my only one, and I'd be a fool not to make it worth something. So here I am, with 21 credits (more than I've ever had in my life), a job, and a national leadership position--a pretty unlikely time in my life for me to find time to spare for myself. But the damage has been done, or should I say as far as I'm concerned, the wounds are starting to heal. I've yelled it out, "Enough! It's my life!"
So now, with 21 credits on my shoulders, little sleep, a biology test tomorrow, a presentation for my food science class tomorrow, classes until 10:30pm tomorrow, a chemistry problem set due, 70 pages of reading for my sociology class, 40 pages of reading and a problem set for Linguistics, I find myself walking to my dorm in the brisk, early-spring weather: a gray cloudy Ithaca sky, punctured by dots of blueness, a relentless, wet, chilly wind tainted by a drop of warmth, walking back from a quick, but rather unhelpful review session for my biology test tomorrow, heading to my dorm, settling down in front of my computer, putting on my earphones, turning on the music, checking my e-mail for signs of life out there, checking the blog to see if any brave soul left me a comment. But with nothing new, all I do is let the music fade into the background and wait to hear the pulse of the world...
When I'm a lonely mess like this, in a place I don't want to be, or no longer care to be, with no friends, seeming to fade into oblivion in this tiny corner of the world, the only thing I can do to keep my sanity is to forget about the homework, the stress, the grades, and just sit back quietly and listen to the ticking of the world to remind myself that there is something more out there...
I'm reaching a point where I'm relinquishing my commitment more and more every day. It used to be a matter of overly hard work, which then led to burn out, which then led to slight depression, which then led to pyschological counseling, which then led to me learning to treat myself a bit better, which then led to an ever deeper depression because I'd burry myself in credit loads that wouldn't allow me to treat myself decently despite my good intentions.
I think that for better or for worse, I've reached a point where I've just tossed my hands in the air, and screamed aloud, "Enough! It's my life!" It is my life. MINE. Maybe my only one, and I'd be a fool not to make it worth something. So here I am, with 21 credits (more than I've ever had in my life), a job, and a national leadership position--a pretty unlikely time in my life for me to find time to spare for myself. But the damage has been done, or should I say as far as I'm concerned, the wounds are starting to heal. I've yelled it out, "Enough! It's my life!"
So now, with 21 credits on my shoulders, little sleep, a biology test tomorrow, a presentation for my food science class tomorrow, classes until 10:30pm tomorrow, a chemistry problem set due, 70 pages of reading for my sociology class, 40 pages of reading and a problem set for Linguistics, I find myself walking to my dorm in the brisk, early-spring weather: a gray cloudy Ithaca sky, punctured by dots of blueness, a relentless, wet, chilly wind tainted by a drop of warmth, walking back from a quick, but rather unhelpful review session for my biology test tomorrow, heading to my dorm, settling down in front of my computer, putting on my earphones, turning on the music, checking my e-mail for signs of life out there, checking the blog to see if any brave soul left me a comment. But with nothing new, all I do is let the music fade into the background and wait to hear the pulse of the world...
When I'm a lonely mess like this, in a place I don't want to be, or no longer care to be, with no friends, seeming to fade into oblivion in this tiny corner of the world, the only thing I can do to keep my sanity is to forget about the homework, the stress, the grades, and just sit back quietly and listen to the ticking of the world to remind myself that there is something more out there...
