Sunday, November 21, 2004
Pothead Friends, Part 2
Sometimes you learn who your true friends are only after you learn who your friends aren't. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my friends, and who they are. I've noticed that many of them do things that I never would, many of them do things which I really don't approve of. But this semester I've decided to hold my breath. Instead of being picky about my friends as I have been in the past, I decided to suspend my judgments and get to know people with whom I might not otherwise probably associate.
It worked pretty well. Once I got out of my jail cell of a dorm with my depressing roommate, I found myself surrounded by supportive friends. Dinners weren't lonely anymore. The nights were filled with chatter and laughter. The number of strangers passing by me on the way to classes was a few less, and the number of people smiling to me and saying "hey" was a few more.
Ignorning the bad in these people wasn't such a hard thing. As long as I didn't have to deal with it, it wasn't so bad. But you can only run, hide, and brush aside for so long until whatever it is you're avoiding finally catches up with you. That's what finally happened. After having been ditched by some friends for pot this weekend, I began to think all the other shit some of my friends do. Finally, it was getting personal.
On Saturday morning I was going to go to the main dining hall to eat breakfast, but as I set foot out of my dorm I was suddenly struck by this urge to go to the new dining hall. But once I got there, I understood that this was more than just an urge, maybe someone up above had it all planned out. Darren, one of the pot-smokers was there with some people from our floor and a bunch of other common friends. Crap, I thought. I wanted to sit and eat with all of my friends, but he was definitely not someone I wanted to be around quite yet.
I played sleepy, drowsy, and played pretend as if I didn't see them walking around the dining hall and brushing past me. Once I got all my food I bussed my tray to the far opposite end of the dining hall, hoping to go undetected. I enjoyed avoiding the confrontation and the quiet of eating alone. As I was crunching on my last spoonfuls of cereal, I noticed a body standing beside my table.
With a spoon full of cereal in my mouth I looked up, it was Darren standing beside me. Shit. "Amir, I'm sorry about last night," he began, with that cocky smile on his face.
"Yeah, whatever." I said, and looked down on my cereal bowl.
"No really, we just forgot."
"Oh yeah? You forgot, huh? You think I couldn't tell?!"
"Amir, I'm sorry."
"Tell me though, why did you forget, huh? What was it?" I'm not exactly gentle and politically correct when someone decides to take me on. If we're gonna talk about it, we're gonna lay it all out, and lay it out thick.
"You know," he whispered and looked nervously around the dining hall, "we just got so---"
"High?!" I blurted. "You just got so damn high and wasted you forgot about me?!"
"Yeah man, that's exactly it, I'm really so sorry, please."
"Whatever, I told you guys not to smoke that shit. Look what it made you do."
"Amir, you're sitting alone, come eat with us."
I hesitated... I didn't really want to eat alone, but I felt like it was time for tough love. "No... Thanks, but no.. Maybe another time."
"Oh come on, don't sit all alone, come eat with us!"
"No! Maybe another time, I just need to chill alone for a bit, okay?"
And he left. Part of me felt like a stubborn prick for being so distant and blunt. The other part told me that this drug smoking business was serious--that I couldn't act like everything was cool, because smoking up isn't. If I act all normal he might think that this wasn't such a big deal, that my friendship could be taken for granted, that I could be ditched for drugs, and worst that he could just do it again and again and just think a sorry would take care of it all.
No.
Later Darren's roommate and partner in crime stopped by my room to say he was sorry, too. He really wanted to buy me something to make it all better. No, no, no. I told him, don't buy me anything. He begged and pleaded and it felt kind of gushy and patronizing. "If there's anything I can do," he said, "let me know. I really want to make this better."
After a moment I paused and said, "well you know, if you really want to do something to make this better, you could stop smoking that stuff."
A tense smile drew across his face, "I knew you would say that."
"Well?"
"Well, maybe one more time this semester," he said looking around my room for an ounce of reinforcement not to be found.
"That's too bad." I said and looked back at my German homework. He squirmed and pleaded but I wasn't about to tell him it was okay. By the end of the conversation he said, "I'll try not to do it anymore this semester..." All right... I hope that's a start...
And now everything's awkward and I don't really know what to do. I thought how much I'd miss spending time chilling out with them and going to dinner together. But I wondered if I were more lax how much more would I have to put up with their bad habit, and how much more would they try to get me to join them? Do I need friends like that?
I was dangling in between for the entire weekend till I read Yolanda's comment on my last post. Finally I saw things a bit differently. Maybe giving up on this friendship wouldn't just be my loss; it'd be theirs too. Maybe they need a good friend they can relate to who will be like, "I like you guys a lot, but what you're doing is twisted." But then again, people will do what they want, and I don't have the energy to invest in a lost cause. But maybe a cause isn't lost till you give up.
It worked pretty well. Once I got out of my jail cell of a dorm with my depressing roommate, I found myself surrounded by supportive friends. Dinners weren't lonely anymore. The nights were filled with chatter and laughter. The number of strangers passing by me on the way to classes was a few less, and the number of people smiling to me and saying "hey" was a few more.
Ignorning the bad in these people wasn't such a hard thing. As long as I didn't have to deal with it, it wasn't so bad. But you can only run, hide, and brush aside for so long until whatever it is you're avoiding finally catches up with you. That's what finally happened. After having been ditched by some friends for pot this weekend, I began to think all the other shit some of my friends do. Finally, it was getting personal.
On Saturday morning I was going to go to the main dining hall to eat breakfast, but as I set foot out of my dorm I was suddenly struck by this urge to go to the new dining hall. But once I got there, I understood that this was more than just an urge, maybe someone up above had it all planned out. Darren, one of the pot-smokers was there with some people from our floor and a bunch of other common friends. Crap, I thought. I wanted to sit and eat with all of my friends, but he was definitely not someone I wanted to be around quite yet.
I played sleepy, drowsy, and played pretend as if I didn't see them walking around the dining hall and brushing past me. Once I got all my food I bussed my tray to the far opposite end of the dining hall, hoping to go undetected. I enjoyed avoiding the confrontation and the quiet of eating alone. As I was crunching on my last spoonfuls of cereal, I noticed a body standing beside my table.
With a spoon full of cereal in my mouth I looked up, it was Darren standing beside me. Shit. "Amir, I'm sorry about last night," he began, with that cocky smile on his face.
"Yeah, whatever." I said, and looked down on my cereal bowl.
"No really, we just forgot."
"Oh yeah? You forgot, huh? You think I couldn't tell?!"
"Amir, I'm sorry."
"Tell me though, why did you forget, huh? What was it?" I'm not exactly gentle and politically correct when someone decides to take me on. If we're gonna talk about it, we're gonna lay it all out, and lay it out thick.
"You know," he whispered and looked nervously around the dining hall, "we just got so---"
"High?!" I blurted. "You just got so damn high and wasted you forgot about me?!"
"Yeah man, that's exactly it, I'm really so sorry, please."
"Whatever, I told you guys not to smoke that shit. Look what it made you do."
"Amir, you're sitting alone, come eat with us."
I hesitated... I didn't really want to eat alone, but I felt like it was time for tough love. "No... Thanks, but no.. Maybe another time."
"Oh come on, don't sit all alone, come eat with us!"
"No! Maybe another time, I just need to chill alone for a bit, okay?"
And he left. Part of me felt like a stubborn prick for being so distant and blunt. The other part told me that this drug smoking business was serious--that I couldn't act like everything was cool, because smoking up isn't. If I act all normal he might think that this wasn't such a big deal, that my friendship could be taken for granted, that I could be ditched for drugs, and worst that he could just do it again and again and just think a sorry would take care of it all.
No.
Later Darren's roommate and partner in crime stopped by my room to say he was sorry, too. He really wanted to buy me something to make it all better. No, no, no. I told him, don't buy me anything. He begged and pleaded and it felt kind of gushy and patronizing. "If there's anything I can do," he said, "let me know. I really want to make this better."
After a moment I paused and said, "well you know, if you really want to do something to make this better, you could stop smoking that stuff."
A tense smile drew across his face, "I knew you would say that."
"Well?"
"Well, maybe one more time this semester," he said looking around my room for an ounce of reinforcement not to be found.
"That's too bad." I said and looked back at my German homework. He squirmed and pleaded but I wasn't about to tell him it was okay. By the end of the conversation he said, "I'll try not to do it anymore this semester..." All right... I hope that's a start...
And now everything's awkward and I don't really know what to do. I thought how much I'd miss spending time chilling out with them and going to dinner together. But I wondered if I were more lax how much more would I have to put up with their bad habit, and how much more would they try to get me to join them? Do I need friends like that?
I was dangling in between for the entire weekend till I read Yolanda's comment on my last post. Finally I saw things a bit differently. Maybe giving up on this friendship wouldn't just be my loss; it'd be theirs too. Maybe they need a good friend they can relate to who will be like, "I like you guys a lot, but what you're doing is twisted." But then again, people will do what they want, and I don't have the energy to invest in a lost cause. But maybe a cause isn't lost till you give up.
