Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Dwindling
D.C. was fun. I love to travel, and D.C. is such a happening place, so it would be hard not to have fun. But fun doesn't solve my problems. I left the conference feeling, slightly reassured, but mostly uneasy about position in the SSC. There are lots of great people involved in this sort of volunteer work. Plenty of people do it because they really do care about the environment. But there are also people who are just part of the organization for the power, resources, and the ego trip that a national leadership position can give you. And then there are people who don't particularly care about the cause but just do it for the social scene, because lots of their friends are involved.
I feel like I've given it enough time, 2.5 years, to make a call about how I feel. The people involved because of their passion for the cause inspire me, the people who do it for the social scene don't bother me much, but I don't want to put up with the power trips and the inflated egos of those who do it for themselves.
I'm a full-time student, and during the school year I have a job too. This environmental work is volunteer work I do on the side. I do it when I can, and because I enjoy it. But the minute it drains me out instead of replenishes me, and the minute it becomes a source of intense frustration and insecurity instead of something empowering, I need to seriously re-evaluate.
So that's what I'm doing. As a national leader, I realize that I've made a commitment, and I know better than just to drop the ball. I'm going to try to train other students over the next six months, so that hopefully come winter break, I'll only be peripherally in the picture. I think this is the right decision. It took me forever to make it. I'm a notoriously bad decision maker, but for once I feel confident in a decision of mine, so that must mean something.
That I'm pretty confident about this decision does not mean I'm at least a little sad about it. Stepping aside from this work almost feels like throwing away two and a half years of my life and my energy. In addition to drifting away from my role in the Sierra Club, yesterday I also called off a summer energy tour I was planning with two friends. We put in a lot of work into that tour as far as planning, and we even got a hybrid car donated. But the funding just didn't work out like we hoped, and moreover we were all feeling a bit burnt out. Well what can I say, two strike outs like this in a week are a tad overwhelming and depressing.
I know that the time off will be really good for me. Sleeping in, less stress, less pressure, more time to do things that I enjoy and that will replenish my energy, more time to reflect upon my life and what I want to get out of it. I need some down time, and this will help. Ah finally something I've been looking for & it's starting now.
I feel like I've given it enough time, 2.5 years, to make a call about how I feel. The people involved because of their passion for the cause inspire me, the people who do it for the social scene don't bother me much, but I don't want to put up with the power trips and the inflated egos of those who do it for themselves.
I'm a full-time student, and during the school year I have a job too. This environmental work is volunteer work I do on the side. I do it when I can, and because I enjoy it. But the minute it drains me out instead of replenishes me, and the minute it becomes a source of intense frustration and insecurity instead of something empowering, I need to seriously re-evaluate.
So that's what I'm doing. As a national leader, I realize that I've made a commitment, and I know better than just to drop the ball. I'm going to try to train other students over the next six months, so that hopefully come winter break, I'll only be peripherally in the picture. I think this is the right decision. It took me forever to make it. I'm a notoriously bad decision maker, but for once I feel confident in a decision of mine, so that must mean something.
That I'm pretty confident about this decision does not mean I'm at least a little sad about it. Stepping aside from this work almost feels like throwing away two and a half years of my life and my energy. In addition to drifting away from my role in the Sierra Club, yesterday I also called off a summer energy tour I was planning with two friends. We put in a lot of work into that tour as far as planning, and we even got a hybrid car donated. But the funding just didn't work out like we hoped, and moreover we were all feeling a bit burnt out. Well what can I say, two strike outs like this in a week are a tad overwhelming and depressing.
I know that the time off will be really good for me. Sleeping in, less stress, less pressure, more time to do things that I enjoy and that will replenish my energy, more time to reflect upon my life and what I want to get out of it. I need some down time, and this will help. Ah finally something I've been looking for & it's starting now.
