More to Life

Sometimes a song can capture in a verse the point I try to get across in a 1000-word babble. So in part-two of this series of me reflecting upon the semester I just finished and this year to date, I'm going to turn it over to the music. I listen to it. A lot. Whether it's while writing an essay, walking to class, surfing the net, while writing e-mails, driving, or whenever else--you name it, and there's a good chance music was playing in the background. I figure there has to be some sort of meaning to all that noise. So here are some select songs that were in heavy rotation in the soundtrack of my life for the past couple months. They might give you a much better idea than I could about how my year's been so far.

Matchbox 20 - "Unwell"

All night
Hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
and I don't know why

I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

Beyonce - "Me, Myself, and I"

Me, myself, and I that's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that for now on
I'mma be my own best friend

After all the rain, you'll see the sun come out again

Avril Lavigne - "Don't Tell Me"

Don't try to tell me what to do
Don't try to tell me what to say
You're better off that way

LeAnn Rimes - "Life Goes On"

Life goes on
And it's only gonna make me strong
It's a fact, once you get on board
Say good-bye cause you can't go back
Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I'm at, is my life before me
And this feelin' that I can go back

No Doubt - "It's My Life"

It's my life
Don't you forget
Caught in the crowd
It never ends

Dido - "White Flag"

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag on my door

Liz Phair - "Extraordinary"

I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me

Christina Aguilera - "The Voice Within"

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

There you have it. And the beat goes on...

That's it. I made it through the end of this semester, the end of this school year, and maybe the end of the next year as well. There were times I thought I wouldn't make it. Drop a class? Take an incomplete? Have a nervous breakdown? Just do miserably in a class or two? They all seemed like viable options. The last week was intense, and that's an understatement. I don't know if I've ever worked so hard in my life. I put in 12 hours in the libraries for three days straight. I did write up those 25 pages. I did take those three exams in 24 hours. And the second I finished my last exam, I did meet my mom. I did give her a big hug. And without wasting a moment, together we did pack up all my belongings and left that university high above Cayuga's waters that very day.

I knew I'd feel amazingly free and unburdened once it was all over. But I also knew that transitioning into a drowsy, low-key, relaxed summer would be easier said than done. I had told people that my summer would be rehab, or a much needed therapy from the trauma that was this year so far. From brushing shoulders with the Democratic hopefuls to the White House on the campaign trail of the nation's first caucus in January, to conferences, to photoshoots, and to working through 21 credits at school. Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset or bitter. I don't think I'd trade these past 5 months for anything, but if they managed to do something to me, they drained me out like crazy.

I knew that the weeks upon end of four hours of sleep a night would catch up with me eventually. And eventually is now. Since I got back home on Sunday night, I've been sleeping a lot. The time I spend awake just flies by in a sort of semiconscious drowsiness. Snapshots, and headlines, and thoughts have been popping into my mind out of nowhere and disappearing just as quickly, leaving me perplexed. Bombs dropping, people dying, people condemning, people apologizing, nothing's changing. The student from my school who left around the time I did, who also packed his life into his car, who drove home with his mom on the same road I did with mine, who got into an accident and died. My sister who got into a car accident today. My dad who seems to be getting more sick each day, and the smell of his cigarette smoke that fills the house despite years of trying to get him to stop. The messy kitchen. My worried mother. The music that plays in the background all the while the clock keeps ticking, and the pieces keep shredding off, and the storyline becomes more and more fragmented.

Just a quick digression from my studying spree.

Read this article that my sociology professor wrote: Random Acts of Gender Violence. This is a good one. It's pretty ironic that a SOCIOLOGY department, of all departments, would engage in the type of "discrimination" it scrutinizes so much. Professor Szelenyi''s one of the best professors I've had, and I'll sure miss having her on campus... I was really looking forward to taking another class with her in the future... I guess that won't be happening. :(

Wow, it's 12:45am and it feels like I just got out of class. Actually, I did just get out of class... Well, not quite class--I just got out of a 3.5-hour biology lab final. I sure had to pull it together for today. Not only are Mondays my longest and toughest days of the week, I had the joy of capping this one off with a nice, long final exam. I was actually pretty nervous about this one. I didn't do all that well on my last "MAJOR QUIZ" (what kind of twisted euphemism is that?), so all of a sudden this weekend I decided that I need to finally get my act together and take my biology lab class seriously. This final was my last chance for grade-point redemption in this class. So I studied... Well, more like I tried to study. Something about memorizing phylogenic trees for the plant and animal kingdoms and all that didn't click too well for me. I guess my brain just doesn't have enough room for important stuff like that.

So I got of my final exam around 11:30pm and got back to my dorm close to midnight. And so with that I just ushered in this semester's insane round of final exams and papers. I kind of feel like celebrating and relaxing now, I feel like I squeezed all my effort out of me for this one. The not-so-good thing is that this is just the beginning and if that's all the effort I could squeeze out, I'm in trouble. I probably didn't even do all that grand on the biology final. Anyway, the other cause for celebration is that I officially finished 3 credits worth of classes TODAY! Woo hoo! So now I'm only carrying 18 on my back instead of 21. Woha, I never thought 18 credits could feel so light.

So here I am in the middle of the night, in between yesterday and today, trying to savor this fleeting, instantaneous moment when I can celebrate the end of two classes and one final. I feel like I've been through a lot and that now I deserve to sit back and relax for three months. I'll probably act that way for a couple more hours, but (very unfortunately) that's it. I have 3 papers to write, three more final exams, 2 more quizzes, and definitely hundreds of pages of readings left. Yikes. The funny thing is I'm all talking like I worked my butt off for this biology lab practical... Dang, then, what am I going to work off to get through the work that still lies ahead? Uh oh... :)