Friday, February 18, 2005
End of the Week, End of the Deal
I've alluded to this issue on my Feb. 14th post, but I need a full post to get this off my chest. Exactly two weekends ago I put in my two weeks notice with the Sierra Student Coalition. I had been thinking about leaving for a long time, and although I delayed the decision for over half a year, the final decision came somewhat abruptly.
I'm at the fortunate point in my life where I have lots of ends and new beginnings. It gives me hope, the chance for closure and starting anew. But starting anew can only be so effective when I bring along baggage from a period I was just supposed to have ended. I guess I finally realized that this semester. My Great Grandma's death, my exhaustion, and my flight and literal luggage problems caused me enough trouble at the beginning of the semester. After the first week back at school I was already behind in work. I just couldn't juggle more than that. When life wears you down too much you gotta kick it in the ass and go to sleep, you know?
So I guess I realized that the time was right now. I had to finally bow out of the comfort zone (I'm quoting you all over these days, Yolanda!) I've been living in for the past 3 years, take a chance, and do what I finally thought was right for me. In those 3 years, I've had my moments of anger and frustration with the Sierra Club. Though it was really tempting to leave in the heat of the moment, I'm glad I didn't. I remained involved and let my fury fits subside. This last semester with the SSC was quiet and productive. So now seemed like the time to just bow out gracefully.
Why did I leave? I'm not sure. There are many reasons, few of which I can explain well. Mostly, I'm just dead busy with school work and jobs. I've been taking heavy course loads and holding two jobs to pay for tuition. Evidently, that's left me exhausted, lacking much extra time. I just can't be an effective or good organizer/leader with so little time or energy to spare. In a way, I felt like it wasn't fair to me or other people to hold up a national leadership position when I felt I couldn't perform anywhere near my best.
It's true, I've also been disillusioned a bit by the SSC and the Sierra Club and the whole "national youth energy environmental movement." I got involved because I thought that there are pressing environmental issues affecting our lives and our health. I wanted to educate myself, then raise my voice, campaign, rally, petition, inspire people to take action, do something. Unfortunately, since I left Minnesota, I'd say that maybe 5% of my time was spent doing that. The rest was just conferences upon conferences upon meetings upon conference calls. I haven't really been moving forward in anything I wanted to accomplish. Instead I've been drowning in a sea of bureaucratic "decision-making" and "strategic planning."
That being said, I had some great times with the Sierra Club. The time I spent in Minnesota was the major highlight. I loved working on the cleaner bus campaign where we managed to pass a law to reduce bus idling before and after school. It taught me how much power individuals have to make a difference if we can cooperate and harness our passions. As I've gone from disappointment to disappointment later on, I've always clung on to the memories of testifying in the state capitol, rallying on the capitol steps, and the gratifying sense of accomplishment.
I don't even regret the bad times. Everything is a learning experience. So now, although I'm still young and idealistic, I'm not as naive anymore. I know that problems exist and I have a good sense of what they are. They brought me down once, but now that I know, they won't be able to get me come round two.
The one thing that I really could have done without was getting dumped by a friend (see here at the bottom and more here) because of my volunteer work. The way that all went down was ugly and mostly just plain hurtful. Months after her sister and Mother stopped working with me on the campaign, for them to decide that I was a horrible, selfish person who takes all the credit just didn't seem right. And the fact they didn't even bother to contact me or to try to work things out?
I felt like a train wreck after that. I never tried contacting any of them again. If they made up their mind that I was such a terrible person, I wasn't going to go out of my way to change that. It just wasn't worth my time and strength. It took me a long time to reach that understanding, though. I have to say, some of the comments you left me on the blog at that time really helped me regain my confidence and put things into perspective.
Lastly, while I don't have any definite plans to return to the Sierra Club or the SSC, this decision to leave will not usher in a new period of apathy in my life. I still care about environmental and social issues all the same. I'm just as passionate about them. There's still a ton of stuff to do to make this world a safer, cleaner, more just, healthier, better place, and I haven't given up quite yet! This break in the short-term is just an investment in the long-term. Hopefully some time to recharge, re-energize, will bring me back stronger and wiser.
I'm at the fortunate point in my life where I have lots of ends and new beginnings. It gives me hope, the chance for closure and starting anew. But starting anew can only be so effective when I bring along baggage from a period I was just supposed to have ended. I guess I finally realized that this semester. My Great Grandma's death, my exhaustion, and my flight and literal luggage problems caused me enough trouble at the beginning of the semester. After the first week back at school I was already behind in work. I just couldn't juggle more than that. When life wears you down too much you gotta kick it in the ass and go to sleep, you know?
So I guess I realized that the time was right now. I had to finally bow out of the comfort zone (I'm quoting you all over these days, Yolanda!) I've been living in for the past 3 years, take a chance, and do what I finally thought was right for me. In those 3 years, I've had my moments of anger and frustration with the Sierra Club. Though it was really tempting to leave in the heat of the moment, I'm glad I didn't. I remained involved and let my fury fits subside. This last semester with the SSC was quiet and productive. So now seemed like the time to just bow out gracefully.
Why did I leave? I'm not sure. There are many reasons, few of which I can explain well. Mostly, I'm just dead busy with school work and jobs. I've been taking heavy course loads and holding two jobs to pay for tuition. Evidently, that's left me exhausted, lacking much extra time. I just can't be an effective or good organizer/leader with so little time or energy to spare. In a way, I felt like it wasn't fair to me or other people to hold up a national leadership position when I felt I couldn't perform anywhere near my best.
It's true, I've also been disillusioned a bit by the SSC and the Sierra Club and the whole "national youth energy environmental movement." I got involved because I thought that there are pressing environmental issues affecting our lives and our health. I wanted to educate myself, then raise my voice, campaign, rally, petition, inspire people to take action, do something. Unfortunately, since I left Minnesota, I'd say that maybe 5% of my time was spent doing that. The rest was just conferences upon conferences upon meetings upon conference calls. I haven't really been moving forward in anything I wanted to accomplish. Instead I've been drowning in a sea of bureaucratic "decision-making" and "strategic planning."
That being said, I had some great times with the Sierra Club. The time I spent in Minnesota was the major highlight. I loved working on the cleaner bus campaign where we managed to pass a law to reduce bus idling before and after school. It taught me how much power individuals have to make a difference if we can cooperate and harness our passions. As I've gone from disappointment to disappointment later on, I've always clung on to the memories of testifying in the state capitol, rallying on the capitol steps, and the gratifying sense of accomplishment.
I don't even regret the bad times. Everything is a learning experience. So now, although I'm still young and idealistic, I'm not as naive anymore. I know that problems exist and I have a good sense of what they are. They brought me down once, but now that I know, they won't be able to get me come round two.
The one thing that I really could have done without was getting dumped by a friend (see here at the bottom and more here) because of my volunteer work. The way that all went down was ugly and mostly just plain hurtful. Months after her sister and Mother stopped working with me on the campaign, for them to decide that I was a horrible, selfish person who takes all the credit just didn't seem right. And the fact they didn't even bother to contact me or to try to work things out?
I felt like a train wreck after that. I never tried contacting any of them again. If they made up their mind that I was such a terrible person, I wasn't going to go out of my way to change that. It just wasn't worth my time and strength. It took me a long time to reach that understanding, though. I have to say, some of the comments you left me on the blog at that time really helped me regain my confidence and put things into perspective.
Lastly, while I don't have any definite plans to return to the Sierra Club or the SSC, this decision to leave will not usher in a new period of apathy in my life. I still care about environmental and social issues all the same. I'm just as passionate about them. There's still a ton of stuff to do to make this world a safer, cleaner, more just, healthier, better place, and I haven't given up quite yet! This break in the short-term is just an investment in the long-term. Hopefully some time to recharge, re-energize, will bring me back stronger and wiser.
