Friday, September 10, 2004
And Who Will Save Me?
After that slightly uplifting post yesterday, I think that I'm back to my "regular" self. Although, I can't really argue that since I'm actually being sort of "social," which is somewhat of a departure from the norm. I've been running into people on campus I know, and granted they're like the same 10 people, but hey, with time they introduce you to their friends and you introduce them to yours, and (maybe) within a couple weeks those ten people will turn into 20? Eh, I don't know.
It's good though, in a way. I can sense the "improvement," but, well, I don't know if that's what I should call it. I go back and remember the weeks upon weeks I'd eat dinner alone last semester--not because I wanted to, but because I didn't really have anyone to eat with. And now? I think I've only had dinner alone twice this week. Maybe even once? That's crazy. Weird.
But how am I being "social?" Aside from dinners and chatting, I'm making some plans. Tonight I went to see a movie with two friends. Tomorrow I'm going with some friends to hear Aaron Brown from CNN give a lecture about covering 9/11 and the elections. I'm kind of excited about that. Keeping busy, I guess.
But after a week's worth of dabbling in this social stuff-business, I'm getting a bit overwhelmed and a little frustrated. You know, it's only a matter of time before people start inviting me out to do things I don't really want to do (like go to parties and get drunk, etc), or before people invite me to various fundraisers for whatever clubs they're in (and hoping I'll dish out some pretty pennies). And it's annoying because I don't want to turn people down, but I don't really want to fake it either.
Tonight I went to see the movie Saved! starring Mandy Moore, Jena Malone, Macaulay Culkin, among others. Originally I was just going to go with 'Ellen,' a girl I met last year. We never really hung out too much, but one day this week we ran into each other. She suggested we see a movie. I blurted that we should see Saved! and that was that. She suggested we invite 'Lyon' a mutual friend of ours, so I gladly did. Little did I remember how good of friends the two of them are. So it was awkward. They were chatting the whole time, and the night I was supposed to spend with Ellen turned out to be the night Lyon got to spend with Ellen. And she came late, and she left right after the movie, and night was over and I was kind of bummed.
The movie also sort of stirred up some old, unpleasant memories for me... So, I went back to my dorm feeling kind of crummy. Another friend of mine called and asked if I wanted to go to bowling with a bunch of his friends, but I just wasn't in the mood to go out anymore. Much less to be social and meet lots of people--that kind of thing tends to zap my energy (welcome to the world of an introvert). Eh. I feel bad, too, because this is the second time in a row I've turned him down, and I feel like the number of times he will take a polite "no thanks" or "I'm doing something else" excuse from me is getting to be pretty limited.
It's funny how one crummy experience can just lead to a landslide of them. So my Friday night is over early. What an anticlimactic way to end such an intense week. I'm still wondering if I should have gone bowling anyway. Hmmph.
It's good though, in a way. I can sense the "improvement," but, well, I don't know if that's what I should call it. I go back and remember the weeks upon weeks I'd eat dinner alone last semester--not because I wanted to, but because I didn't really have anyone to eat with. And now? I think I've only had dinner alone twice this week. Maybe even once? That's crazy. Weird.
But how am I being "social?" Aside from dinners and chatting, I'm making some plans. Tonight I went to see a movie with two friends. Tomorrow I'm going with some friends to hear Aaron Brown from CNN give a lecture about covering 9/11 and the elections. I'm kind of excited about that. Keeping busy, I guess.
But after a week's worth of dabbling in this social stuff-business, I'm getting a bit overwhelmed and a little frustrated. You know, it's only a matter of time before people start inviting me out to do things I don't really want to do (like go to parties and get drunk, etc), or before people invite me to various fundraisers for whatever clubs they're in (and hoping I'll dish out some pretty pennies). And it's annoying because I don't want to turn people down, but I don't really want to fake it either.
Tonight I went to see the movie Saved! starring Mandy Moore, Jena Malone, Macaulay Culkin, among others. Originally I was just going to go with 'Ellen,' a girl I met last year. We never really hung out too much, but one day this week we ran into each other. She suggested we see a movie. I blurted that we should see Saved! and that was that. She suggested we invite 'Lyon' a mutual friend of ours, so I gladly did. Little did I remember how good of friends the two of them are. So it was awkward. They were chatting the whole time, and the night I was supposed to spend with Ellen turned out to be the night Lyon got to spend with Ellen. And she came late, and she left right after the movie, and night was over and I was kind of bummed.
The movie also sort of stirred up some old, unpleasant memories for me... So, I went back to my dorm feeling kind of crummy. Another friend of mine called and asked if I wanted to go to bowling with a bunch of his friends, but I just wasn't in the mood to go out anymore. Much less to be social and meet lots of people--that kind of thing tends to zap my energy (welcome to the world of an introvert). Eh. I feel bad, too, because this is the second time in a row I've turned him down, and I feel like the number of times he will take a polite "no thanks" or "I'm doing something else" excuse from me is getting to be pretty limited.
It's funny how one crummy experience can just lead to a landslide of them. So my Friday night is over early. What an anticlimactic way to end such an intense week. I'm still wondering if I should have gone bowling anyway. Hmmph.
